God Is In Control

My heart is heavy today. Actually, it alternates between heavy and happy just about every day. Which can make me think that I am either (a) going crazy, or (b) extremely hormonal, or (c) some combination of the two. In reality, I am a woman/mom on the brink of sending my last child out into the world and I am just completely at a loss as to how to handle it gracefully. What I really want to do is just to curl up somewhere and pretend that the clock isn't ticking down the days until Cameron leaves for the Naval Academy. This time of year always scares me a bit, for all of those high school seniors who are counting down the days until their graduation and who feel suddenly invincible and immortal. It seems that every year about this time we hear news of some tragedy involving a high school child. So for the past few weeks I have had this irrational fear that something will happen to MY child. And I would love to just lock him in this house so that I can be certain he is safe from harm. But Cameron is now a young man with big dreams and I can't hold him back or pin him down. And the reality is that I am being unfaithful. Because I teach the ladies in my bible study groups that we have to trust in God and His plan for us. So if I am trusting God, and believe Jeremiah 29:11 which tells me that my God has plans to give me hope and a future, why would I not also trust that He is watching over Cameron?

As I have thought about this and cried over this and prayed ceaselessly about it, this is the conclusion I have reached - God is in control of Cameron's life and his future. So whatever happens in his life is completely God's plan for him, and as his mother I will just have to deal with it. If God calls us to something, He will equip us for it. That includes saying goodbye to our children when we think that it will be the thing that will break us - God gives us the ability and the strength to endure whatever comes. Perfect love casts out fear, and God IS perfect love, so why would I have any fear for my children? He will guide their steps and will see that they fulfill their life's destiny - nothing I can do or say can change that.

Last night I was browsing through all of my favorite blogs when I was stopped cold. Susie at Bienvenue has a son named Jesse, and his last day of school was yesterday. He and several other seniors from his school went down to the river to have some fun and celebrate the end of their high school days. Unfortunately, the day ended in tragedy as one young man did not make it home from that adventure. Her story immediately sent me in to panic mode, and I went and kissed Cameron and asked him to please, please, please be careful in the coming weeks as he and his friends spend their final days together. And his typical, teenage male response was "there is no need to worry, I'll be fine". What Cameron doesn't understand is that in a mother's heart there is always a tinge of worry. And while we can imagine all sorts of bad scenarios and dream up the worst possible situations, there is nothing that can prepare a parent for losing their child. Nothing. And my heart just aches for that other mother tonight who will never again get to kiss her son and tell him to be careful. Who will never hear him come through the door again, or get on to him for drinking out of the milk carton or leaving muddy footprints on the carpet.

So, while I sit and grieve for people I have never met, I am grieving also for those lost days of my children's youth when they were here every day. Making messes and fighting and asking for movie money or a ride to someone's house. Leaving dirty plates and dirty laundry piled equally high. Blaring the tv or their stereos at the highest decibels. Giving me a headache one minute and a hug the next. Our children are a gift from God, but it isn't a permanent gift - its the kind that keeps on giving once we let them go out and spread their wings and make their mark on the world. God entrusts us with these precious lives for only a little while and then our job is done. And if we do our job right, they go out of our homes and into their own as healthy, happy, God-fearing men and women who are equipped to handle whatever life throws at them. And someday, someday - they too will watch the next generation walk out that door and into whatever God has planned for them.

Hug your children, as much as you can while you can -

L